Gary: Landlord of the Flies

A Guide to Better Enjoying Your Gary Experience

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 18:31:50 -0400

Please note, the posts are in reverse order. So the newer posts are on top. Go to the last page to start the saga from the beginning.

Finally, I always told myself that if I ever had 15 minutes of fame, I would sell-out and sell-out big. With that in mind, why not take a look at one of our wonderful advertisers? And, why not tell your friends about the site?

There’s a facebook group now, same name. Feel free to join and invite your friends.

September 4: Gary and I Set the Date

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 18:29:41 -0400

Today was the return date. If this is your first small claims court experience, for the return date, both parties show up and say that they can’t reach an agreement and an actual court date is set. For Gary and I, this will be January 15th. As for me until then, I will be leaving for Italy September 10th. For those of you that seem to care (and I am still amazed that people seem to care), Italy does in fact have the internet, so I will be able to keep you up to date. However, unless Gary gets a calling card, I doubt we will be hearing any more voicemails until late December (possible Christmas gift?).

August 26: Dr. Phil

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:01:00 -0400

I am truly climbing the daytime television hierarchy (Oprah, here I come). This last Saturday, I got a call from the good people at the Dr. Phil show. Apparently they want to do an episode like “The Doctors” but with lawyers, where they settle two-sided legal disputes. The bad news; they wanted to fly me out Sunday and film Monday, but I had work both days and couldn’t get anyone to cover my shift. So it would appear as if that ship has sailed. The good news; Gary apparently agreed to do the show. Hopefully this means he will agree to one of the others? I’ll be working on it. And Oprah, if you’re reading this….

August 21: Invoices in Your Head

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 11:43:00 -0400

I received a letter from Gary today that had originally been sent to my father’s house in Indiana and forwarded to me here, so it’s actually from August 3rd. It is an official invoice from Gary stipulating that I owe him $3.27. I’ll try to scan in the actual letters, but can at least give a summary now:

Cover Letter:

Dear Mr. Dunn,

Per your request, I am mail (sic.) your deposit to the above address.

I am writing this note to document that your final invoice is enclosed.

Please mail your check, ASAP.

Invoice:

2 Days UNPAID July Rent               $33.34

14 Days (no notice*) July Rent        $233.38

June Utilities                                $81.90

July Utilities                                 $85.10

Vacuum room & remove trash        $35.00

Clean tub, toilet, etc.                       $35.00

* Amazingly, Gary is in fact claiming that I moved out without giving him the two weeks notice we had agreed upon.

This letter is a true blessing in disguise. For the past few weeks I have been a little troubled by Gary’s unwavering confidence and thought he might have come up with some truly clever defense strategy. Luckily, this is not the case.

Email Follow-Up:

Dear Gary,

I just received your invoice regarding my security deposit. You didn’t actually pay someone $70 to vacuum the room, take out the trash and clean the bathroom, did you? You may have gotten ripped off. In any event, for each of these kind of items, I believe you are supposed to supply a receipt. A copy of the utilities bill would also be nice. As for the moving out “without notice,” I am hoping that the signed and dated letters you left me on the morning of July 4th saying I was evicted, along with the police report from the night you got arrested (the July 3rd time) that attests to you telling me to “pack my shit up and get out” will go a long way in court. I’m not sure it’s reasonable to expect tenants to give you two weeks notice of you drunkenly threatening and evicting them. It will certainly be interesting to see which side a judge will be more sympathetic to.

All the best,
Gabe

Before anyone else points it out, landlords can only deduct from the security deposits damages that wouldn’t be considered normal wear and tear. Hence the vacuuming, taking out trash, etc. probably won’t get him very far, but I would prefer he finds this out in court.

August 20: You Got Served

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 11:33:29 -0400

The good news just keeps on coming: Gary was successfully served at his solicitation of a sexual act hearing. I had more pressing things to attend to, but apparently I didn’t miss much. He asked for a continuance, and the new trial date is, I believe, September 24th.

August 19: Judge "Jackhammer" Judy

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 11:28:00 -0400

I got a call from the Judge Judy show, and they are interested in hearing the case! Of course, I will keep you updated on what will certainly be a viscious competition for my favor between Downtown Joe Brown and Jackhammer Judy.

Until any of this is set in stone, the return date is September 4th at the Kane County Courthouse. Having been to one of these already, I am not suggesting you come. It is tediously boring, and all you are doing is setting a date for the trial.

Here is the newer voicemail from Gary. This is how Gary opens...

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 10:14:21 -0400

Here is the newer voicemail from Gary. This is how Gary opens the floor up to negotiations.

Again, this one isn’t quite as inspired as his last one.

July 30: Judge 'Downtown' Joe Brown

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 17:10:00 -0400

It’s not a pun, I just like saying the name ‘Downtown’ Joe Brown.

I’ve got good and bad news. The good news is that the Judge Joe Brown show has expressed interest in hearing the case. They are in fact awaiting Gary’s reply.

But now the bad news; scheduling may make it nearly impossible. I am going to be out of the country for work from September until January, and Gary has a pending felony trial in late August that may leave him occupied for a quite a few months. Prison can do real horrors to one’s datebook.

In any event, I had been hoping to hold off on telling you all the Judge Joe Brown news until Gary had had a response to say yes or no. It turns out to be a great deal for him. He would get $400 for showing up, and I believe if he lost, he wouldn’t even have to pay for it.

In any event, it is not totally out of the picture yet, so I will keep you updated.

July 25: Chopping Block

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:28:00 -0400

I’m sorry it has been so long since my last update. It seems many, including myself, forgot that I actually have a job. I also can’t make Gary talk to me, and I am hoping to mantain the moral high ground by not needlessly harassing Gary. That being said, I did finally have a good excuse to talk to him. I realized this week that I had left a few items at the house. Most notably, this chopping knife that I would really like to get back. I called him on Monday to ask about this, and as it went to voicemail I realized what a pointless request I was making. Chances are he would claim he doesn’t have it. And even if he does have it, am I really willing to collect a large butcher’s knife from a man I suspect to be mentally unstable? He responded shortly thereafter with the following email:

Subject: FYI….

GD:

You just interrupted my phone call w/ a friend of mine…..but did NOT have the manners to leave a VM(?)

Do you need something, boy(?)….

Gary

I actually do feel a little bad about this. In polite society, one is expected to leave an angry drunken voicemail covering such broad ranging topics as one’s sexuality, place of employment and mental state.

I later decided that I really do like that knife and vegetable steamer:

Gary,

This is somewhat of an odd request, but I think I may have left some things at the house. In particular, the chopping knife I had brought. It had a black handle and a leather case. If you have found it, I would really appreciate you letting me know. I also think I left a white vegetable steamer that I would like to get back. I would be very impressed if you had these and decided to return them to me.

Sincerely,
Gabe

Gary’s response:

I TAKE IT THAT YOU WANT TO NEGOTIATE……

the ball is in your court, BOY….

Once again, bold means it was in bright red and size 32 font. At first I was at the very least curious to know what kind of negotiation Gary was expecting for my belongings.

Gary,

I would have been truly impressed had you just offered to return them, but I am equally impressed that you are willing to negotiate. I would be more than happy to work something out. What were you hoping for? Is there anything else I left there besides the knife and the vegetable steamer?

Let me know,
Gabe

Gary responded with a voicemail (unfortunately, not as prolific as his last one) that I will be sure to upload later. Oddly enough, when he called, I was also on the phone with an old friend:

Hey BOY! … You want to negotiate? … Why don’t you propose something? … Why don’t you have me served… you moron?

As it turns out, Gary has been dodging the summons for the past couple weeks. Serving someone turns out to be nowhere near as easy as the 2004 street dancing film suggests.

Subject: My Offer

Dear Gary,

Sorry I missed your call. Believe it or not, I was on the phone with an old friend of mine, but thankfully you had the unfailing manners to leave a voicemail. As for serving you the summons, I talked to the Sheriff’s Department and they said they are going to continue trying. Luckily for me, even if they aren’t able to serve you before the first return date, you have a court date for your more serious felony charges shortly thereafter. Hopefully, they should at least be able to find you there. Unfortunately, requesting a second summons to serve will accrue some additional court costs.

So, as for my offer; I am entirely willing to drop charges in exchange for my $500 security deposit plus the $141 in court costs and my belongings. This would save you any of the additional court costs that would result from actually going to trial or hiring a lawyer, and it would stop the police from coming to your house to attempt to serve you the summons. It would appear that you have much bigger things to be dealing with than this, so I believe my offer is more than fair. And for future reference, perhaps the best way to open up negotiations is not with an offensive drunken email.

If you don’t wish to take me up on this offer, I would still like my belongings back. I would appreciate you telling me a time that is good for you so that I can collect them.

All the best,
Gabe

Gary’s response

SEE YOU IN COURT, BACK-STABBING, BOY…..

B ) >: o

This was in usual Gary formatting (i.e. the “boy” was in larger font and red and the emoticons were a guy wearing glasses and a guy screaming). To be honest, this is the first email Gary has sent me that really got under my skin. I mean, you can’t see it, but the emoticon is a guy wearing glasses, not sunglasses. How does Gary have emoticons that are so much better than mine?! Needless to say, it took all my composure not to freak out about this in my response:

Dear Gary,

Does this mean you’ll be at the August 7th return date? I haven’t checked with the Sheriff’s Office recently to see if they have successfully served you or not. In any event, I am eager to hear your side of all this.

All the best,
Gabe

P.S. As usual, the emoticons are sending a bit of a mixed message. The bright red capitalized “boy” seems to indicate seriousness and intimidation, but I have really only known smiley faces (even the angry ones) as playful. Very enigmatic Gary.

As it turns out, this does not mean Gary will be at the return date. I talked to the Kane County Sheriff’s office today, and they said that they were unable to serve Gary the summons and that he had a sign up on his door that says “I will not open the door for the police. Good luck serving me!” Be this as it may, Gary does have a felony theft trial to answer to on August 22nd, and the Sheriff’s office assured me they can serve him then.

A video seemed necessary. The pictures of me as a...

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 19:27:00 -0400

A video seemed necessary. The pictures of me as a “little-person” are from Halloween this past year. Amazingly, I almost ran out of pictures of squirrels, and actually did run out of people named Dick.

July 11: Emoticonvict (That One's a Stretch)

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 01:45:00 -0400

I sent Gary this email early in the day when I thought he would be able to soberly assess the situation:

Subject: Security Deposit

Dear Gary,

I filed a claim today at the Kane County Clerk’s office for an amount of $500 plus whatever additional court costs I incur. So far, the costs of filing have been $141.00. This makes the total $641.00. If the judge rules in my favor, you will be required to pay any other legal fees I encounter as well as your own. I would like to offer you one last chance to settle outside of court. By returning my security deposit, plus the court costs I have already paid, you will be saving yourself both time and money. I encourage you to consider this seriously.

Sincerely,
Gabe Dunn

Rather than giving this thought then, it would appear as if he set it aside so that he could return to it around midnight, when he apparently likes to handle most of his correspondence and legal affairs:

u r a liar….u r NOT bright enough to file a complaint….bipolar, queer, COWARD…..

—————————————————————————————

Dear Gary,

These are not very difficult forms to fill out. Even a bipolar, queer, coward from Fermilab could figure it out. I know my current address. I know your address (bear in mind, I did live there for a month). There was not much else to it. I take it you do not plan to take me up on my offer, and I am genuinely sorry to hear that.

All the best,
Gabe

—————————————————————————————

Subject: YOU DO NOT SCARE ME, BOY!!!!!!!!!!

WHATEVER YOU SAY “GIRLIE-BOY”….. :) B)

I swear on my life that I have not added in the smiley faces. If I didn’t know Gary, I would think this was a friendly, albeit biting, email. Unfortunately, I was unable to find an emoticon that expresses: “I can’t believe I ever gave this moron $500 in the first place.” Once again, in bold means it was actually in red in the email.

Dear Gary,

I’m not quite sure why that was in quotations. On the same hand, I’m not sure why it’s all in caps, why it’s red, and why you would include emoticons in your response email to someone explaining that they were bringing a lawsuit against you. You are being told by someone 40 years your junior that you should consider a more mature outlook on this situation. In any event, I would like to thank you for making an already easy case somewhat of a slam-dunk.

All the best,
Gabe

Luckily, Gary was able to muster what maturity he had left for:

Subject: “Girlie Boy”…..

GO TO BED…..“GIRLIE-BOY”…..

Sometimes, even Gary is right…. I’m off to bed.

July 10: Troll, Under the Bridge

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 13:07:00 -0400

This is the first blog I’ve ever written, and was quite possibly the first blog I’d ever seen. So when I saw a number of comments saying that this blog was a “troll” or an example of “trolling,” I was confused. After looking this term up online, and radically changing my definition of the word “troll,” I found that this means some people thought the story was fake. Luckily, that should all be cleared up. I just filed my claim today at the Kane County Clerk’s office, and soon this will all become a matter of public record. After some careful thought, I decided to make the claim amount $500 plus any court costs I incur. After the fun I’ve been having keeping up with this blog, I can’t imagine claiming harassment. The only thing left is to see what court it ends up being heard at….

July 9: Landlord of the Flies... and not much else

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 17:49:11 -0400

I just found out that the remaining 2 tenants will both be leaving by the end of the month. This means, of the 7 people living in the house when I first moved in, only one will remain; Gary. Maybe they just wanted a change of scenery, but I can’t help but think that the angry man living upstairs that keeps screaming on his phone at 3am and the frequent police visits had something to do with it. Pure speculation though. To my knowledge, he doesn’t plan on giving any of them their security deposits back. On one hand it’s nice to see that everyone else must not have understood the rental agreement, but on the other, it looks like I’m going to have to take a number for getting it back.

July 8: Email Exchange with a Hypocritic

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 01:34:00 -0400

Dear Gary,

I got your voicemail from last night. In which, you said that I would not be receiving my security deposit because I broke the terms of the contract. The terms that you had sent me earlier were:

1.    This verbal rental agreement requires one month’s rent as a deposit and each month’s rent is to be paid in advance.
2.    Actual monthly utilities (electric, gas, cable TV & high speed internet) are shared equally by all renters.
3.    Renter agrees to at least two weeks notice before vacating their room.
4.    The deposit less utilities will be returned after renter leaves; usually at the end of the month after utility bills arrive.

I do remember opening the door for the police, but I’m not sure which of these terms I broke in doing so. I left the key with Mike so that I had a witness that I surrendered it. I do intend to pursue a claim as per your suggestion, and will let you know when all the paperwork is finished and filed.

All the best,
Gabe

————————————————————————-

are u a tuft’s graduate… i doubt it….coward……
You typed “I (GOT) your voicemail from last night.”

Did u take english @ Brebeuf????????????

Gary

————————————————————————-

Dear Gary,

I apologize. I was trying to keep the tone of the conversation still somewhat casual. I received your voicemail from last night. I didn’t realize you were such a stickler on grammar.

All the best,
Gabe

————————————————————————-

THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME, BOY…..

THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR FATHER, BOY…..

GO FOCK YOURSELF, YOU LYING INDIANA COWARD… THE HOLY CROSS BROTHERS DRILLED GRAMMAR INTO OUR BRAINS @ CATHEDRAL HS…..

NITE COWARD,

Gary

————————————————————————-

Dear Gary,

What can I say? As much as I would like to slight you for it, your grammar is impeccable.

All the best,
Gabe

————————————————————————-

U BET….DON’T TRY TO TEST ME, BOY!!!

YOU WILL LOSE…..

GOOD LUCK, BOY,

Gary

————————————————————————-

If you are wondering, my father did NOT go to Cathedral as I believe Gary is implying. I think he must have found someone with the same name that went to Cathedral, but I don’t think he gave much thought to the likelihood of multiple people with the Irish last name “Dunn” going to a Catholic school. I really hope he isn’t currently harassing some confused Dunn in Indianapolis right now. (On that same note: I changed the name of the highschool in the emails so that you won’t try to find Gary. Everyone deserves their privacy.)

I should mention, I’m not that great with HTML, so anything in bold was in larger font and red in the original email. It would seem that this, along with the use of the word boy and as much personal information about me as he could find, were intended to intimidate. Luckily, everytime an email starts to get a little creepy, he’ll use the term “FOCK,” and then it gets kind of cute again.

Before I get any comments about this, “hypocritic” is not a typo. It’s a portmanteau of hypocrite and critic (because he is critiquing my grammar, yet leaves something to be desired in his own). It is getting really tough to come up with new puns for these post names.

July 8: The Spy (Cont.)

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 20:38:00 -0400

It turns out, I was not the only one privy to last night’s outburst. My old roommate Dan informed me today, that he got a similar message around midnight. Suffice it to say, I am more than a little offended to find out that Gary is leaving other people these messages, AND he even called Dan before he called me.

You fuckin cunt. You cowardly fuckin cunt. You were lead around by the nose…. by Alyssa. Alyssa never paid one dime rent for six fucking months. You fucking cunt. I want my keys back you motherfucking cunt. I have one and it doesn’t really look like the one I gave you. You fucking cunt. ….. you (company name) cunt. You better grow up boy and you better realize that Alyssa is … (sounds like shuffling of papers) … Alyssa (last name) is fucking you without a rubber you stupid fucking cunt. Call me if you dare —- (gives his phone number). You motherfucking stupid 23 year old cunt. This is Gary (last name) and you think you’re going to get your deposit back ….Go fuck yourself … in the ass. Over and out (company name) cunt.

It was good of Gary to give his last name and phone number. Once again, he seems to be assuming that we have multiple people named “Gary” calling us at midnight to leave angry messages, and needs to specify exactly which “Gary” this is.

Something else I am just now understanding; he has a file on each of us. This is to be expected from a landlord, but apparently mine has my first and last name, my place of employment, tiny, squirrelly, and bipolar on it.

Luckily for all of us, I picked the right family friends to stay...

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:26:00 -0400

Luckily for all of us, I picked the right family friends to stay with. John and I, with the help of a cable from Best Buy, were able to get this voicemail from my phone to you. I can’t imagine it will disappoint.

July 8: The Holy Grail

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 02:47:00 -0400

Finally, the Holy Grail of Gary correspondence: the drunken voicemail! I guess I slept through his call, but he was nice enough to leave a message. I’ll try to figure out how to get the actual voicemail on here in the morning. Having heard it, I think that it alone may catapult this blog to being bigger than google.

“Gabe… Gabe Dunn you little cunt, you little queer. If you think you’re going to get a uh a uh deposit refund from me…. kiss my fucking dick. I saw your little squirrelly ass… came in here today and didn’t have the balls to hand me your key, and I’m not sure it was your key, because I think you’re a little fucking … crook. I hope you rot in hell you cocksucker. (long pause) You little fucking dick. You little squirrelly bipolar dick…. I know you’re bipolar. You will not receive a refund of your stupid fucking deposit because you broke the contract you motherfucking little squirrelly dick. Take me to court you lying motherfucker. Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fucking queer. And you’re bipolar. You let the cops in my house you fucking dick. Take me to small claims like you threatened me. You DICK. You fucking little tiny fucking dick. That’s what you are. You’re a little tiny dick from… Fermilab. Call me if you dare… dick!”

Finer points of this voicemail:

1) “…you broke the contract….” I’m assuming Gary is talking about the part of the contract that read, “if the cops show up to arrest me, the tenant is responsible for keeping me out of jail.” I knew I should have read that thing more carefully.

2) “Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fucking queer. And you’re bipolar.” This part hit a little home because often times my queerness and bipolar disorder do cause me to forget things.

3) What could the purpose of this voicemail be other than to help me stockpile evidence for the ensuing court case?

July 7: Poking a Bear with a Stick

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 22:15:00 -0400

Subject: Key Drop-Off

Gary,

I dropped off the key with Mike earlier today. Do you have any other reasons for holding on to my security deposit?

Let me know,
Gabe

Gary’s Response:

GO FUCK YOURSELF…

Gary

My sister Caitlin pointed out something great about this...

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:16:00 -0400

My sister Caitlin pointed out something great about this note:

I love that he clearly wrote, ‘Gabe, your are evicted!’ went back inside and thought, ‘WAIT! There’s something I need to add!’ got halfway back outside and then thought, ‘No, not in black! This one needs to catch the eye!’

As promised, here is the note slid under my door.

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:13:42 -0400

As promised, here is the note slid under my door.