I’m sorry it has been so long since my last update.  It seems many, including myself, forgot that I actually have a job.  I also can’t make Gary talk to me, and I am hoping to mantain the moral high ground by not needlessly harassing Gary.  That being said, I did finally have a good excuse to talk to him.  I realized this week that I had left a few items at the house.  Most notably, this chopping knife that I would really like to get back.  I called him on Monday to ask about this, and as it went to voicemail I realized what a pointless request I was making.  Chances are he would claim he doesn’t have it.  And even if he does have it, am I really willing to collect a large butcher’s knife from a man I suspect to be mentally unstable?  He responded shortly thereafter with the following email:

Subject: FYI….

GD:

You just interrupted my phone call w/ a friend of mine…..but did NOT have the manners to leave a VM(?)

Do you need something, boy(?)….

Gary

I actually do feel a little bad about this.  In polite society, one is expected to leave an angry drunken voicemail covering such broad ranging topics as one’s sexuality, place of employment and mental state.

I later decided that I really do like that knife and vegetable steamer:

Gary,

This is somewhat of an odd request, but I think I may have left some things at the house.  In particular, the chopping knife I had brought.  It had a black handle and a leather case.  If you have found it, I would really appreciate you letting me know.  I also think I left a white vegetable steamer that I would like to get back.  I would be very impressed if you had these and decided to return them to me.

Sincerely,
Gabe

Gary’s response:

I TAKE IT THAT YOU WANT TO NEGOTIATE……

the ball is in your court, BOY….

Once again, bold means it was in bright red and size 32 font.  At first I was at the very least curious to know what kind of negotiation Gary was expecting for my belongings.

Gary,

I would have been truly impressed had you just offered to return them, but I am equally impressed that you are willing to negotiate.  I would be more than happy to work something out.  What were you hoping for?  Is there anything else I left there besides the knife and the vegetable steamer?

Let me know,
Gabe

Gary responded with a voicemail (unfortunately, not as prolific as his last one) that I will be sure to upload later.  Oddly enough, when he called, I was also on the phone with an old friend:

Hey BOY! … You want to negotiate? … Why don’t you propose something? … Why don’t you have me served… you moron?

As it turns out, Gary has been dodging the summons for the past couple weeks.  Serving someone turns out to be nowhere near as easy as the 2004 street dancing film suggests.

Subject: My Offer

Dear Gary,

Sorry I missed your call.  Believe it or not, I was on the phone with an old friend of mine, but thankfully you had the unfailing manners to leave a voicemail.  As for serving you the summons, I talked to the Sheriff’s Department and they said they are going to continue trying.  Luckily for me, even if they aren’t able to serve you before the first return date, you have a court date for your more serious felony charges shortly thereafter.  Hopefully, they should at least be able to find you there.  Unfortunately, requesting a second summons to serve will accrue some additional court costs.

So, as for my offer; I am entirely willing to drop charges in exchange for my $500 security deposit plus the $141 in court costs and my belongings.  This would save you any of the additional court costs that would result from actually going to trial or hiring a lawyer, and it would stop the police from coming to your house to attempt to serve you the summons.  It would appear that you have much bigger things to be dealing with than this, so I believe my offer is more than fair.  And for future reference, perhaps the best way to open up negotiations is not with an offensive drunken email.

If you don’t wish to take me up on this offer, I would still like my belongings back.  I would appreciate you telling me a time that is good for you so that I can collect them.

All the best,
Gabe

Gary’s response

SEE YOU IN COURT, BACK-STABBING, BOY…..

B )   >: o

This was in usual Gary formatting (i.e. the “boy” was in larger font and red and the emoticons were a guy wearing glasses and a guy screaming).  To be honest, this is the first email Gary has sent me that really got under my skin.  I mean, you can’t see it, but the emoticon is a guy wearing glasses, not sunglasses.  How does Gary have emoticons that are so much better than mine?!  Needless to say, it took all my composure not to freak out about this in my response:

Dear Gary,

Does this mean you’ll be at the August 7th return date?  I haven’t checked with the Sheriff’s Office recently to see if they have successfully served you or not.  In any event, I am eager to hear your side of all this.

All the best,
Gabe

P.S.  As usual, the emoticons are sending a bit of a mixed message.  The bright red capitalized “boy” seems to indicate seriousness and intimidation, but I have really only known smiley faces (even the angry ones) as playful. Very enigmatic Gary.

As it turns out, this does not mean Gary will be at the return date.  I talked to the Kane County Sheriff’s office today, and they said that they were unable to serve Gary the summons and that he had a sign up on his door that says “I will not open the door for the police.  Good luck serving me!”  Be this as it may, Gary does have a felony theft trial to answer to on August 22nd, and the Sheriff’s office assured me they can serve him then.