Gary: Landlord of the Flies
July 8: Email Exchange with a Hypocritic

Dear Gary,

I got your voicemail from last night.  In which, you said that I would not be receiving my security deposit because I broke the terms of the contract.  The terms that you had sent me earlier were:

1.    This verbal rental agreement requires one month’s rent as a deposit and each month’s rent is to be paid in advance.
2.    Actual monthly utilities (electric, gas, cable TV & high speed internet) are shared equally by all renters.
3.    Renter agrees to at least two weeks notice before vacating their room.
4.    The deposit less utilities will be returned after renter leaves; usually at the end of the month after utility bills arrive.

I do remember opening the door for the police, but I’m not sure which of these terms I broke in doing so.  I left the key with Mike so that I had a witness that I surrendered it.  I do intend to pursue a claim as per your suggestion, and will let you know when all the paperwork is finished and filed.

All the best,
Gabe

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are u a tuft’s graduate… i doubt it….coward……
You typed “I (GOT) your voicemail from last night.”

Did u take english @ Brebeuf????????????

Gary

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Dear Gary,

I apologize.  I was trying to keep the tone of the conversation still somewhat casual.  I received your voicemail from last night.  I didn’t realize you were such a stickler on grammar.

All the best,
Gabe

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THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME, BOY…..

THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR FATHER, BOY…..

GO FOCK YOURSELF, YOU LYING INDIANA COWARD… THE HOLY CROSS BROTHERS DRILLED GRAMMAR INTO OUR BRAINS @ CATHEDRAL HS…..

NITE COWARD,

Gary

————————————————————————-

Dear Gary,

What can I say?  As much as I would like to slight you for it, your grammar is impeccable.

All the best,
Gabe

————————————————————————-

U BET….DON’T TRY TO TEST ME, BOY!!!

YOU WILL LOSE…..

GOOD LUCK, BOY,

Gary

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If you are wondering, my father did NOT go to Cathedral as I believe Gary is implying.  I think he must have found someone with the same name that went to Cathedral, but I don’t think he gave much thought to the likelihood of multiple people with the Irish last name “Dunn” going to a Catholic school.  I really hope he isn’t currently harassing some confused Dunn in Indianapolis right now. (On that same note: I changed the name of the highschool in the emails so that you won’t try to find Gary.  Everyone deserves their privacy.)

I should mention, I’m not that great with HTML, so anything in bold was in larger font and red in the original email.  It would seem that this, along with the use of the word boy and as much personal information about me as he could find, were intended to intimidate.  Luckily, everytime an email starts to get a little creepy, he’ll use the term “FOCK,” and then it gets kind of cute again.

Before I get any comments about this, “hypocritic” is not a typo.  It’s a portmanteau of hypocrite and critic (because he is critiquing my grammar, yet leaves something to be desired in his own).  It is getting really tough to come up with new puns for these post names.

July 8: The Spy (Cont.)

It turns out, I was not the only one privy to last night’s outburst.  My old roommate Dan informed me today, that he got a similar message around midnight.  Suffice it to say, I am more than a little offended to find out that Gary is leaving other people these messages, AND he even called Dan before he called me.

You fuckin cunt. You cowardly fuckin cunt. You were lead around by the nose…. by Alyssa. Alyssa never paid one dime rent for six fucking months. You fucking cunt. I want my keys back you motherfucking cunt. I have one and it doesn’t really look like the one I gave you. You fucking cunt. ….. you (company name) cunt. You better grow up boy and you better realize that Alyssa is … (sounds like shuffling of papers) … Alyssa (last name) is fucking you without a rubber you stupid fucking cunt. Call me if you dare —- (gives his phone number). You motherfucking stupid 23 year old cunt. This is Gary (last name) and you think you’re going to get your deposit back ….Go fuck yourself … in the ass. Over and out (company name) cunt.

It was good of Gary to give his last name and phone number.  Once again, he seems to be assuming that we have multiple people named “Gary” calling us at midnight to leave angry messages, and needs to specify exactly which “Gary” this is.

Something else I am just now understanding; he has a file on each of us.  This is to be expected from a landlord, but apparently mine has my first and last name, my place of employment, tiny, squirrelly, and bipolar on it.

July 8: The Holy Grail

Finally, the Holy Grail of Gary correspondence: the drunken voicemail!  I guess I slept through his call, but he was nice enough to leave a message.  I’ll try to figure out how to get the actual voicemail on here in the morning.  Having heard it, I think that it alone may catapult this blog to being bigger than google.

"Gabe… Gabe Dunn you little cunt, you little queer.  If you think you’re going to get a uh a uh deposit refund from me…. kiss my fucking dick.  I saw your little squirrelly ass… came in here today and didn’t have the balls to hand me your key, and I’m not sure it was your key, because I think you’re a little fucking … crook.  I hope you rot in hell you cocksucker. (long pause) You little fucking dick.  You little squirrelly bipolar dick…. I know you’re bipolar. You will not receive a refund of your stupid fucking deposit because you broke the contract you motherfucking little squirrelly dick.  Take me to court you lying motherfucker.  Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fucking queer. And you’re bipolar. You let the cops in my house you fucking dick.  Take me to small claims like you threatened me. You DICK. You fucking little tiny fucking dick. That’s what you are.  You’re a little tiny dick from… Fermilab.  Call me if you dare… dick!"

Finer points of this voicemail:

1) “…you broke the contract….” I’m assuming Gary is talking about the part of the contract that read, “if the cops show up to arrest me, the tenant is responsible for keeping me out of jail.”  I knew I should have read that thing more carefully.

2) “Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fucking queer.  And you’re bipolar.”  This part hit a little home because often times my queerness and bipolar disorder do cause me to forget things.

3) What could the purpose of this voicemail be other than to help me stockpile evidence for the ensuing court case?

July 7: Poking a Bear with a Stick

Subject: Key Drop-Off

Gary,

I dropped off the key with Mike earlier today.  Do you have any other reasons for holding on to my security deposit?

Let me know,
Gabe

Gary’s Response:

GO FUCK YOURSELF…

Gary

My sister Caitlin pointed out something great about this note:

I love that he clearly wrote, ‘Gabe, your are evicted!’ went back inside and thought, ‘WAIT! There’s something I need to add!’ got halfway back outside and then thought, ‘No, not in black!  This one needs to catch the eye!’

My sister Caitlin pointed out something great about this note:

I love that he clearly wrote, ‘Gabe, your are evicted!’ went back inside and thought, ‘WAIT! There’s something I need to add!’ got halfway back outside and then thought, ‘No, not in black!  This one needs to catch the eye!’

As promised, here is the note slid under my door.

As promised, here is the note slid under my door.

July 5: Alyssa the Spy (cont.)

Dan was nice enough to forward me this email Gary sent him on Saturday

Subject: JUST CONFIRMING….

DF:

U STATED THAT “U DO NOT WANT 2 GET INVOLVED”…..well, just pay your rent, CONT….. DF = DUMB FOCKIN’ CONT…..

actually it is about time that alyssa paid me something….just a thought….COWARD, possy-whipped wimp that u r……..

DF, don’t forget to include alyssa’s share of the utilities in the check…..

see our Rental Agreement attached……

Gary

A lot of people are having difficulty understanding Gary in this email.  In what I have come to appreciate as a daring revolution in modern writing style, Gary uses o’s intead of u’s, and when possible, uses high school girl AIM lingo.

July 6: Intro to Psychology

I woke up this morning to another gem from Gary in my inbox:

Subect: WHERE ARE THE KEYS TO MY HOME, YOU QUEER, TINY, BIPOLAR, GABE?????

KISS YOUR DEPOSIT GOODBYE..

First off, sentence structure: phenomenal.  Clarity of thought: even better.  My response email:

Re: WHERE ARE THE KEYS TO MY HOME, YOU QUEER, TINY, BIPOLAR, GABE?????

Dear Gary,

I have no intention of keeping the key I have to your house.  I will put it in your mailbox either later today or tomorrow. 

As for the subject heading, I’d like to clear something up about “bipolar.”  Its roots refer to bi-, two, and -polar, extremes.  People that suffer from bipolar disorder experience swings from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other.  An example of this would be someone who is perfectly friendly during the day, but then sends angry drunken emails at night.  In contrast, I believe I have remained at a pretty constant emotional calm throughout all of this.

All the best,
Gabe

July 5: A Farewell to my Armoire

I had spent Saturday in Chicago with a friend of mine from college whose parents were heading up a party for Indian Doctors in the Midwest.  On Sunday, I hear from my housemate Dan that he was at the house to move all of his stuff, but Gary has screwed the door shut.  Dan then called the police, who helped him climb through a window, undo the screw, and move his stuff out.  Afterwards, Dan calls Gary to ask him about his security deposit.  Gary seems enraged and surprised that Dan has called the cops.

This is a prime example of Gary’s limits in thought.  When he screwed the door shut, he only got as far down in the line of repercussions as, “…and then they won’t be able to get in the house! Brilliant!”  Of course Dan is going to call the police, all of his belongings are in the house.

So later in the day, My friend Job’s (Shameless plug: Job is also in a band: Ezra Furman and the Harpoons. Check them out at EzraFurman.com.  They’ll also be at Lollapalooza this summer.) little brother Mat drives me back to the suburbs and I ask him if he wants to help me move a desk and explain the story.  Mat is thrilled at the opportunity.  So we get to the house, Gary is in his office, and we are able to open the door.  So we go in and get my desk.  At this point I’m a little worried that Gary is going to disappoint, and Mat won’t get a full taste of his craziness…. as I’m thinking this, I see Gary at the front door with a power drill, screwing the door shut.  I am literally face to face with him at the door, and he refuses to even look at me, and then walks away.  Me and Mat then go around back and find that he didn’t lock the kitchen door so we walk in and grab the chair.  As Mat is saying that he’s pissed he didn’t get to see him, he looks up and sees Gary at the upstairs window flicking us off.  Conversation as follows:

Gabe:  So I take it this means you don’t have my security deposit?
Gary:  GO FUCK YOURSELF! YOU COWARD MOTHERFUCKER!
Gabe:  So, no then?
Gary:   And you’re never going to get it, YOU COWARD CUNT MOTHERFUCKER!
Gabe:  Well it certainly seems that way…. Gary, what do you think the next step is going to be?  Have you thought this out at all?  What would you do if you were me?  I’m going to have to file a claim in small claims court.
Gary:  Oh yea, well SUE ME!
Gabe:  …Well actually Gary, that’s what a claim is.  That’s exactly what I would be doing, suing you. 
Gary:  Well stop talking and do it MOTHERFUCKER! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Gabe:  Well, It’s pretty late on a Sunday, I doubt they’re open. But, I’m sure I’ll get around to it.
Gary:  Take you and your SPIC FRIEND AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
(at this point me and Mat, who as you could have guessed from my description of my weekend, is Indian, start laughing)
Gary:  IT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
Mat:  Wrong ethnicity, but I guess it’s the spirit that counts.
(I thought this was pretty inspired, and couldn’t stop giggling about it)
Gary:  Unintelligible screaming.
Gabe:  Alright, bye Gary.  It was nice talking to you.
Mat:  It was wonderful meeting you Gary!

July 4: Security Deposit Request and Response

Gary,

You requested that I be evicted on July 3rd, 2009.  I have yet to receive from you the $500 security deposit that I paid along with my first month’s rent.  I will be back tomorrow, July 5th, in order to collect the last of my belongings and would appreciate it if you had the deposit then.  If I have not received it by July 18, 2009 or have not heard from you regarding this by July 11th, I will be filing a claim in order to collect.  I would prefer, as I am sure you would to, that it not have to come to that.  For that reason, if you do not currently have the funds to make such a payment in full, let me know and we can try to work something out.  I have provided an address that you can send a check to along with an email address and phone number so you can get ahold of me.

Gabriel Dunn

Gary was kind enough to respond to this email later that night at around midnight:

NOT MY PROBLEM, YOU FOCKIN’ COWARD CUNT!!!!!